Lady in waiting

I can't stop thinking about Japan. When I watch tsunami footage of water crushing cars and homes like fragile little toys, it's like watching a big box-office doomsday disaster movie. It's so hard to get your head around that this is really happening. The nuclear threat is equally difficult to grasp. Back in my newspaper reporter days I covered energy as one of my beats and toured a couple of nuclear plants, which are just something to behold. I can understand the potential horror that is there if the reactors aren't cooled. I can't stop thinking about that, either. And feeling helpless. There was a clip on CNN last night of a distraught mother trying to find her child that haunted me through a fitful night's sleep. I cannot imagine not being able to find my children.

So with all of these horrible things going on across the world, I am struggling with feeling guilty that I am a giant crab these days. A few weeks ago, on the mayoral election night, I was part of the team handling press for the winning candidate. Part of my job was rounding up other politicians for on-camera interviews to feed the TV news appetites. Among them was the Illinois Secretary of State, Jesse White, who knows how to work the press. He energetically worked the room, charming well-wishers in a clip I really admired -- I was pooped watching him and just trying to keep with him. I was about three weeks away from my due date at that point,  and he kept teasingly referring to me as the "lady in waiting."

While it's sweet to be referred to that way, I don't much feel like a lady right now.  The baby is healthy, thank goodness, and due any day now, but physically I feel like totally pooh. I've never had so much nerve pain with a pregnancy before. Standing up is very painful. Sitting for more than 10 minutes results in pinched nerves in my front ribs and in my back. I'm sluggish and feel like there are sandbags attached to my legs. I seem to nap every day. I stopped doing my volunteer work because I was struggling too hard to just do simple tasks while my backs and ribs screamed at me. Whine whine whine.

I'm also at the stage where everyone and his dog thinks it's OK to comment on my belly size. Yesterday at the gym swimming pool a woman laughingly asked if I had one baby in there or two. Um, I've gained only 22 pounds -- really? Last week while walking down State Street some joker, who I could tell thought he was hilarious, said "whoa nelly, hard to miss you, haha!" I bet you don't have a girlfriend, do you, buddy? Wonder why. Today at the grocery store. "Boy, you are gonna explode anytime! Hope you don't have the baby here, haha!" People, shut up. Please. You're not helping.

I love the idea of being a lady in waiting. A lady to me implies grace, strength, and the ability to put others before oneself. To be in control, to an extent. I don't feel these things right now. My teenager is up to some shenanigans, including the worst grades in his life, rampant oversleeping and missing class, and recently announcing his intentions to go to parties and drink, among other little activities he has yet to mention to me and assumes I'm clueless about. Yeah, he's 18, and I recognize this could have started a whole lot earlier (and now I'm wondering if it has). Try talking to other parents about whether your teen should be allowed to go to parties and drink and it's like howling into the wind. My unofficial surveys have rendered me as out-of-touch and unrealistic -- teens are going to drink, that's what they do. The little control I have any more continues to erode, at least it feels that way. Yesterday while sitting in my living room I glanced outside and saw a neighbor girl -- well, young woman, now -- lighting her pipe while sitting in the driver's seat of her car with a few friends. I like this girl and thought oh man. Why are you getting high on a Sunday afternoon in your car? Yeah, I know, kids get high, whatever, except now I keep thinking about her and worrying. And worrying that she's driving around. She was pretty glassy-eyed when I walked up to her car and nicely told her she should probably find a more private place to do that. So a few minutes later she drove away. Ugh. Maybe that was a bad move on my part. When did I become such an old lady?

I digress. I wonder what other folks do to right themselves in the head when they don't feel like they're being mature, or responsible, or graceful, when life just seems unmanagable. People are homeless in Japan and I'm complaining about pain shooting down my leg and an unruly teenager and busting up little pot parties in front of my house. I recognize that by comparison, these are minor issues. That's life, cupcake, right? I am trying to figure out a way to be that cool, calm lady in waiting. I used to just go for a run and everything seemed better, but that's not an option now. Maybe I'll go rummage through the cupboard for a snack.