Grump, grump, grump -- things not to say to the unemployed

If learning to accept being unemployed is indeed a process, then count me in the grouchy, despondent and slightly bitter phase.

For those who have been nice enough to check in with me, I'm sure they will wait awhile before they do so again. I mean, when someone asks you "how's it going?" I know you're supposed to put on the brave face and say "Oh, I'm doing OK" or something equally mature like that. My snarky response has been "Well, other than being unemployed and five months pregnant, everything is awesome!" Yeah, I know. Sigh. I need to work on my happy people skills.

So, since I'm in the throes of "Oh my God, what am I going to do?" I thought it would be fun to put together a list of the, ahem, less helpful things people have said. Look, I'm not mad that people don't know what to say. God knows what I've said to laid-off friends in the past. But when you're really feeling down, sometimes these little helpful remarks aren't so helpful:

1. "Enjoy more time with your family". Because obviously, I'm much more fun to be around when I'm feeling good about myself and not worrying about money than when I'm faced with lots of time on my hands and terrified about money.

2. "It's just brutal for all of us." Yes, you survived the most recent round of layoffs and now you have the fun task of doing three peoples' jobs for your meager salary with no pay increase or bonus in sight. But your paycheck is better than no paycheck, so shush.

3. "You haven't been unemployed that long. Be patient." True, it's been just three weeks. But staring down Thanksgiving and then Christmas, knowing the chances of getting a job offer before January are about as great as January becoming an above-freezing temperature month in Chicago, well, um, yeah, I'm impatient. And worried, how fricking long will it be like this? Forgive me, it's my first layoff. I am new to this terror.

4. "You'll have more time to yourself." Yep, this is true -- I have more time now to loathe how dirty my kitchen floors really are, and more time to procrastinate mopping them. Did I mention I HATE mopping and housework in general? Call me a jerk, but I'd rather work and pay someone to mop.

5. "You'll find something better." The Ann Taylor Loft saleswoman on Michigan Avenue recently told me that. I was buying some socks. She said "do you have our Loft card" and I politely said no, thanks. She then said, very chirpily, "Well, now, don't you just feel bad about that?" Are you kidding me, lady? So in a tone to match hers, I said that I had just lost my job a few weeks ago and it would be bad to open up a credit card right now, right? Normally I don't dump my business on strangers, but shut it already, lady. Then, as she wrapped up my socks, she said "I'll bet you'll find something better!" all chirpy again. Ugh. You don't know me and you don't know that. Please, please be quiet.

There are more examples here that are funnier than mine. And if you've read all the way at the end, please don't be afraid to talk to me. If I snarl, just throw me some chocolate or something, and I'll settle down. Promise. :-)