A cigarette in the park

Toddlers are a blast. My little toddler man seems to discover or try something new nearly every day. And scare the poo out of me in the process.We have this really cool playground a block from our house and last weekend M was a fearless little wild man, trying to climb everything he could. No matter if it was too big or too high for him. As the hub and I played with him, we both noticed a strong smell of cigarette smoke. Two moms whose older kids were also playing there were several hundred feet away were hanging out, smoking.

As an ex-smoker, I think that I should be the last to judge. I mean, cripes, I was probably that mom years ago when my oldest was a little guy. And yet I did judge them, thinking "Wow, classy". And even though they were standing a good distance away, it stunk. It seems like a lot of people smoke. When I walk around downtown Chicago, say, during my lunch hour, the sidewalks seem filled with smokers. Indeed, smoking rates in the U.S. have stayed steady for several years, according to federal stats released earlier this week. One in five people smoke, in fact.

What bugs me, besides the fact it smells really disgusting now that I'm long quit, is that I'm still quick to judge these people. They're not gross or weak. They have an addiction. I have to keep telling myself that. I smoked for 15 years, which is astounding to me now to think about. And I felt dirty and ashamed, especially as I got older. So why don't I have more compassion for those that haven't yet quit? I don't know. Maybe it's a character flaw, maybe it's just that well, if I can quit -- and I'm no superwoman -- they should be able to, too.

My mother has always been a heavy smoker and I know she thinks I and my siblings judge her. I feel badly that I've hurt her feelings when I don't want to go to their house because it is so choked with smoke. But I hate that her skin is turning gray and that she has so many health problems now and is still a young woman, age-wise. I just worry about her, you know? I know in my heart of hearts that if she quit and made some other basic life changes she could feel really great. And I think to myself, if I can quit so can she. But I have to tell my brain to shut up a lot and I try to remind myself all the time not to judge. It's not easy.